Piece of My Heart

No matter how hard I tried to prepare myself I found that I couldn't be fully ready for August 23, 2012. That morning I received a phone call from my dad that my Grandpa Joe had gone to Heaven and while I knew that this day was coming, hearing those words just made my heart sink. I had dreaded this day ever since I was old enough to understand death. And now it was here.

I am a private person so tell my Chief the news was difficult but needed to be done so I could get time off to go to the funeral and be with my family. All the paperwork had been set up and my plane ticket was bought. During the few days in San Diego before the funeral I thought I would be an emotional wreck. I oddly wasn't. I found that being so far away from what was all happening made me slide into denial. I kept repeating "My Grandpa has died" in my head over and over and over but it never seemed real. The night before I was scheduled to fly back to Minnesota I was incredibly nervous. I knew that I had been feeling nothing the last couple days and that as soon as I would get back to Minnesota I would be a disaster. I told my husband I was nervous and he was a little surprised to hear me say that. He thought I would be looking forward to being around my family during this hard time. I told him that usually I would be excited to see my family, but that I also knew that all my sadness was going to hit me like a brick wall. When I go to Grandma's house the first thing I do when I walk in the door is look for Grandpa to give him a huge hug but I knew that this time when I would get to my Grandma's, my Grandpa wouldn't be there and that realization was going to engulf me like a tsunami.

I made it through a few hours of flying without a single tear. Had my mom and dad pick me up at the airport and still tear free. Then......we got my grandma's house, got out of the car and hugged my mom. I was done. I can only count on 1 hand the number of moments that I wasn't crying from that point on. The next few days were spent with my parents, siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins sharing memories of my grandpa and discussing how we can't imagine life without him. It was amazing to hear everyone's perspective of Grandpa and how he had affected their own life. While we all had different memories about Grandpa that stuck out to us there was one thing that we all could easily agree on; he always made sure that we knew he loved us.

Imagine a person who made you feel as though you were perfect regardless of every mistake you made in life, a person who was always interested in what you had to say and a person who truly loved you unconditionally. That was my Grandpa.

A lot of people talk of their own grandpa as a man full of wisdom and advice, and while my Grandpa was very wise he was the best listener you could ever meet. My Grandpa didn't want you to live life according his rules; he sincerely only cared if you were happy. He always wanted to hear everything that was going on in your life even if he didn't understand the new age rules of dating, what texting meant or what your college major all entailed. He just wanted to be a part of your life.

My Grandpa was my favorite person in life. He was truly there for me throughout my 25 years on this earth and always made me feel so loved. When I made ridiculous mistakes and was ashamed of myself, he was understanding. When I was lost in this cold cruel world, he was encouraging. When I married a man he had never met, he was supportive and when I made the biggest change in my life, he was proud. My Grandpa has and always will have a special place in my heart. I think about him constantly throughout every day and just pray that he is at peace up in Heaven.

                                                         I love you Grandpa.

The Lost Summer

Well I am back. Ooof-da! That was quite the summer. It went slow and fast all at the same time.

For those who don't know I was on a mini deployment this summer called RIMPAC. I left June 15th and returned August 10th. It was the longest underway I have ever been on and it was such a learning experience as to what a full length deployment is going to really be like. I learned all about the right things to pack, how to organize my limited living space for optimal storage, where to do my laundry, how to handle now living with 300+ coworkers and got the most hands on training for my job I could ever ask for. My days consisted of working 1300 to 0100 (yes, I'm going to use military time right now), where I ran around with my head cut off trying to put together radio circuits that were constantly breaking, unlocking computer accounts when people constantly forget their passwords, and trying to find any second I can to study for my advancement exam I have to take this fall. When it wasn't my turn to be work I spent my time sleeping and watching movies and episodes of Smallville on my laptop. In the beginning of my trip I tried to work out but it is really hard to run on a treadmill while on a roller-coaster at the same time. See, I am stationed on a smaller ship and let me tell you, the waves can make us rock pretty bad so I learned that trying to workout while the boat is rocking was just making me seasick. It started to feel like the days were getting very long so I decided to just not go outside. I know it sounds weird but by not going outside it made the days go faster. Once you stop seeing the sun you lose the concept of day and night; of time. I made myself just go into a constant rotation of 12 hours of working and 12 hours off. It made time go very fast!

And then our port visit happened. My ship made two stops in Pearl Harbor, HI which sounds amazing, right? No. And when I tell people that they give me the hardest time. "Oh yea right! Must be awful to be in Hawaii". Well it was. Imagine spending every second of every day with no privacy, with living with your coworkers, working 80 hours a week; you now have a day off and the only people to share it with are the coworkers you have been working and living with. Now I am totally capable of hanging out by myself and having a great time, but it's hard to want to learn to surf or go scuba diving when there is no one you care about next to you to share it. I spent time on the beach in the sun trying to make time go faster so I can just get home. I think Hawaii would be a blast.......if I was on vacation with my husband or my family. So some day I hope to go back just for fun and not work.

Among all this job learning and new style of life while I was gone there was one thing that I just couldn't learn. I couldn't learn to live without my husband. I know it sounds cheesy and sappy but that was something that I never got used to. It was hard everyday to wake up without him next to me, to not share my day with him except through email. It was very difficult to have a long distance relationship all through email. It felt like we were living 2 completely separate lives and it was very hard. I constantly couldn't wait to be home with him again.

When I finally made it home it was AMAZING to be in my husband's arms and get a whiff of his scent as he hugged me. I came home to my favorite meal cooking in the crock pot, a dozen roses, a clean house and as many kisses from my husband as I wanted. Once the exciting weekend with my husband had ended reality set in. I was back to work on that following Monday and we were busier than ever. It wasn't work that was difficult to adjust to, it was being home again. I had only been gone 2 months but from my perspective a lot of things had changed. Of course they were all little things but they were little things that I wasn't a part of.

One thing the people rarely talk about is what it is like when you are finally home. Everyone talks about the struggles of being apart and how hard it must be for the military member and for the family, but no one talks about the military member's struggle to fit in when they finally get home. While you are gone it is like you are frozen in time, frozen in a world on a different planet. On the ship, in the middle of the ocean, I literally only saw the people who were out there with me. The only contact with the outside world was through email or searching the internet if you had the time. So when you finally come out of this frozen world, you come back to new songs on the radio, new movies in the theater, a new season of the year and bigger things like your husband having new friends, new work schedule and your sister-in-law having a new husband. Everyone talks about the lonely feeling you have while you are away but it is never realized that that lonely feeling is still there when you come back and it makes it difficult because you feel like that feeling should just automatically go away the second you arrive at home, but it doesn't. I was struggling and trying to help my husband understand when I was feeling was difficult.

The most important thing I learned by this whole experience is that when I come home it is best to accept that I will feel lonely when I get home, that I will feel left out, that I will feel like I don't know where I belong. It doesn't work to fight it. Fighting it only causes more anxiety and loneliness. I had to be honest with my husband how I was feeling and he had to learn that he couldn't fix it for me. A husband always wants his wife to be happy and he hates to see her sad, but I just needed to listen and understand that I was struggling and that he couldn't fix it. This lonely feeling does pass and you can't force it to pass. Patience. Patience of me and patience of my husband are the only two things that helped me get through my struggle.

Being gone for a couple months and coming back was quite the experience and it has helped me get a better idea as to how my full deployment is going to go and how to deal with the ups and downs. Until I leave again I am going to soak up every second with the hubs that I can.

Welcome Home!