Moving On

Ok, so my week of negativity has passed. :) I am feeling more optimistic now, more at peace with my situation and more hopeful for the next step.

In the past when I have gotten down I usually try to do something to cheer myself up, but then I just get more frustrated that I am now pretending I am happy when I am not. So this last week I just let things be and it really helped me. I didn't try to cheer myself up and I just let myself feel however I felt.

I am fortunate enough to not have struggled with any miscarriages, but it still doesn't mean that sometimes I need to grieve over our struggle. For so long I thought it would be selfish to be upset that I wanted more in my life and bratty that I wasn't getting it when I wanted it. But having a baby is nothing like wanting a new iPhone or designer purse, it is a life changing experience that every couple should get to have and I am not in the wrong for wanting it so badly. So once I realized that it is ok for me to be down sometimes, it has helped me become more hopeful and less angry. So I am going to continue to feel what I feel when I feel it, not dwell on anything and move on each day.

Turn a Real Page

Have you ever read a book that from the beginning wasn't very good? And you keep reading it, hoping that things will turn and you will fall madly in love with characters and be captivated with their story.....but then you get to the last page and realize that moment never happened and you aren't sure why you wasted your time. Haha that just happened to me. I finished The Last Policeman by Ben H. Winters and it was bad. It was slow and boring and choppy. In defense of the book, though, I did randomly steal it from the ship and with no clue to its quality I read it. I suggest you don't. Haha but I am onto the next!

I am currently reading Return to Homecoming Ranch by Julia London and it is good so far. The first 5 pages are in the view of a specific character that had me laughing aloud from the beginning, so I can't wait for that person to show back up. This book I have in paperback and as much as I love my kindle, nothing beats the feeling of turning a real page.

Happy reading!

Round 2

I received a call the fertility clinic today and scheduled my baseline ultrasound for a February cycle.

*ding, ding* Round 2.

I haven't decided how I feel about it yet. I feel excited to get another chance. I, also, feel frustrated with the possibility that it may not happen for us. I know I should stay positive and I really am majority of the time, but I am mostly frustrated with how I have had to "stay positive" for so long. The fertility treatment process has not been long at all, with our first appointment being in the beginning of October, but I have had the excitement of possibly being pregnant for 3 years now. Let's just say the excitement meter is very low.

In the beginning, the idea of being pregnant was incredibly exciting. I wanted everything that came with it. I wanted to take pictures of my baby bump, complain about morning sickness to Michael, find out the gender, pick out a name, announce it to everyone and count down the days until that little baby would arrive. Now, I am getting to the point where I don't care about any of that.

I want to be a mom.

I want to be a mom so bad. I constantly think of seeing all my baby's firsts, sending them to school, hearing them talk, imagining Michael running throughout the house with them, disciplining them, cuddling them and most of all loving them. I want a child to love more than I want anything else in this whole world.

I shouldn't think this way, but I am already assuming that we won't get pregnant this month naturally or next month with another IUI. So I ask myself.....how long do I torture myself before Michael and I fill out an adoption application?

It's a lot to think about and being a woman I make sure I have time to think about all of it. I am sure tomorrow I will snap out of it and the excitement meter will rise, but just for this moment I am going to let myself feel however I feel.

Girliness <3

I find ways that the Navy has changed me regularly. I think about how I used to be completely comfortable with throwing my clothes on the floor, leaving dishes sit and have items strewn about. That is absolutely not the case anymore! Everything in our house has a place and it erks me worse and worse as time passes that they aren't in place. Michael had a friend from North Dakota visiting for the last 12 days so I gave up my bathroom (yes, I moved all that is girly into Michael's bathroom), and my spare room, which has become my puzzling sanctuary while Rob and Michael play video games. As soon and Michael's friend left today (actually before we left for the airport) I was already putting everything back to wear it belongs. On the ship, we cleaned every day and everything has a specific place in your rack so I have adopted that habit at home. I even vacuum at least once a week just because I think the lines on the carpet make it look neat and organized. I try to not be so bad and let things slide because when I really get crazy about it I start to get annoyed that Michael isn't as obsessed about it as I am and isn't helping. The Nerve!! Can you believe that guy?!? Haha so once I start to feel that way I know that I need to calm down and realize that life can be a little messy and even if I clean it right away... It will just be messy again tomorrow. :)

On another note...
I have been feeling super girly lately. Not sure why, but I am just all about wearing make-up, wearing cute clothes and painting my nails. I used to get in moods like this after being underway for a couple weeks and craved being out of my combat boots, but right now, I just want to be girly.

I absolutely love time with my husband, but I am looking forward to a weekend of girliness all by myself. I started my Friday night with the most recent episode of The Bachelor, leftover Chinese food and Leinenkugel's Cranberry Ginger Ale. Tomorrow, I am getting some relaxing acupuncture done, probably a little shopping for new make-up and bath supplies at a new store I heard about called Lush, followed by possibly In N' Out Burger and my new obsession TV show Parenthood. It's suppose to rain this weekend too so it will be perfect for relaxing girliness.

Flying Thoughts

"Back to school. Back to school. To prove to my dad that I'm not a fool."-Billy Madison

My holiday leave is over, but I am so glad I am back to school. Right now I am taking a Shipboard Communications course for the Navy before I go on to my next command in April. It is great! I kick ass at the class, I don't have duty days, no command pt (physical training) and the hours are from 7:30am-about 2:30pm. Easy days! I enjoyed my time off, but it made me realize I need to be one of those women who work. I just do. I get too bored with too much time off and I hate doing chores so since I get bored, chores are all I end up doing. They get done while I am working during the week too, but when I have time off I really don't have an excuse not to do them. So needless to say, it was time to go back. :)

Chores weren't the only thing I did while on leave. I had a great time with my hubs over Christmas, golfed, went out for New Year's Eve, did a Segway tour, had a bonfire with neighbors, tried acupuncture for the first time (it was great!), got a pedicure, made homemade goodies and did a lot of sleeping in! :)

I also found an older blog of mine I started right when I enlisted. There are only a few posts but I think I am going to transfer them over to this blog, because they are pretty neat to read and it will be nice to have them all in one place. I also have some entries drafted on my laptop from deployment that I should transfer over too. My goal is to eventually type out my whole deployment experience so I can look back on it and remember that crazy time.

I hope to be blogging more in 2015! I know I always say I want to blog more, but the truth is that I don't think I have that much to say, and when I did have something to say I wouldn't be motivated enough to set my laptop up, try to log in, realize I don't know my password, reset my password, try to login again and then finally try to remember what I wanted to say in the first place and then get to writing. But, thanks to technology, I have the Blogger app on my phone that keeps me logged in and ready to type at any moment. So get ready for flying thoughts!:)

Happy New Year!!

2014 has come and gone and I am looking forward to the new hope of 2015! Last year was a great year for quality time with the hubs. Since my ship spent the whole last year in the yards, I was able to spend time with my husband whenever I pleased which was great. I think he enjoyed it too, at least that it what he tells me. :)

While not all my goals for 2014 were met I still did so many things I had never gotten to do before. My golf game improved immensely! I even came inches away from getting my first birdie! I ran my first half marathon which was a great experience and I would love to do another one in 2015. The hubs and I finally got to go to Comic Con which was fantastically nerdy! We took a trip to Vegas again where Michael saw his first big musical, Jersey Boys and I got to see my favorite band (The Used) play live. :) I went to see Justin Timberlake and Miley Cyrus live and we saw The Book of Mormon as well. I went to New York City for the first time which I one of the beat vacations I have ever had and Michael and I were able to make it back to the Midwest together. I also reenlisted in the Navy for 4 more years and transferred from my first command. :)

Whoa! That's alot! I didn't think it was that adventurous of a year but it definitely was and I look forward to the new adventures of 2015!