Round 2

I received a call the fertility clinic today and scheduled my baseline ultrasound for a February cycle.

*ding, ding* Round 2.

I haven't decided how I feel about it yet. I feel excited to get another chance. I, also, feel frustrated with the possibility that it may not happen for us. I know I should stay positive and I really am majority of the time, but I am mostly frustrated with how I have had to "stay positive" for so long. The fertility treatment process has not been long at all, with our first appointment being in the beginning of October, but I have had the excitement of possibly being pregnant for 3 years now. Let's just say the excitement meter is very low.

In the beginning, the idea of being pregnant was incredibly exciting. I wanted everything that came with it. I wanted to take pictures of my baby bump, complain about morning sickness to Michael, find out the gender, pick out a name, announce it to everyone and count down the days until that little baby would arrive. Now, I am getting to the point where I don't care about any of that.

I want to be a mom.

I want to be a mom so bad. I constantly think of seeing all my baby's firsts, sending them to school, hearing them talk, imagining Michael running throughout the house with them, disciplining them, cuddling them and most of all loving them. I want a child to love more than I want anything else in this whole world.

I shouldn't think this way, but I am already assuming that we won't get pregnant this month naturally or next month with another IUI. So I ask myself.....how long do I torture myself before Michael and I fill out an adoption application?

It's a lot to think about and being a woman I make sure I have time to think about all of it. I am sure tomorrow I will snap out of it and the excitement meter will rise, but just for this moment I am going to let myself feel however I feel.