Piece of My Heart

No matter how hard I tried to prepare myself I found that I couldn't be fully ready for August 23, 2012. That morning I received a phone call from my dad that my Grandpa Joe had gone to Heaven and while I knew that this day was coming, hearing those words just made my heart sink. I had dreaded this day ever since I was old enough to understand death. And now it was here.

I am a private person so tell my Chief the news was difficult but needed to be done so I could get time off to go to the funeral and be with my family. All the paperwork had been set up and my plane ticket was bought. During the few days in San Diego before the funeral I thought I would be an emotional wreck. I oddly wasn't. I found that being so far away from what was all happening made me slide into denial. I kept repeating "My Grandpa has died" in my head over and over and over but it never seemed real. The night before I was scheduled to fly back to Minnesota I was incredibly nervous. I knew that I had been feeling nothing the last couple days and that as soon as I would get back to Minnesota I would be a disaster. I told my husband I was nervous and he was a little surprised to hear me say that. He thought I would be looking forward to being around my family during this hard time. I told him that usually I would be excited to see my family, but that I also knew that all my sadness was going to hit me like a brick wall. When I go to Grandma's house the first thing I do when I walk in the door is look for Grandpa to give him a huge hug but I knew that this time when I would get to my Grandma's, my Grandpa wouldn't be there and that realization was going to engulf me like a tsunami.

I made it through a few hours of flying without a single tear. Had my mom and dad pick me up at the airport and still tear free. Then......we got my grandma's house, got out of the car and hugged my mom. I was done. I can only count on 1 hand the number of moments that I wasn't crying from that point on. The next few days were spent with my parents, siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins sharing memories of my grandpa and discussing how we can't imagine life without him. It was amazing to hear everyone's perspective of Grandpa and how he had affected their own life. While we all had different memories about Grandpa that stuck out to us there was one thing that we all could easily agree on; he always made sure that we knew he loved us.

Imagine a person who made you feel as though you were perfect regardless of every mistake you made in life, a person who was always interested in what you had to say and a person who truly loved you unconditionally. That was my Grandpa.

A lot of people talk of their own grandpa as a man full of wisdom and advice, and while my Grandpa was very wise he was the best listener you could ever meet. My Grandpa didn't want you to live life according his rules; he sincerely only cared if you were happy. He always wanted to hear everything that was going on in your life even if he didn't understand the new age rules of dating, what texting meant or what your college major all entailed. He just wanted to be a part of your life.

My Grandpa was my favorite person in life. He was truly there for me throughout my 25 years on this earth and always made me feel so loved. When I made ridiculous mistakes and was ashamed of myself, he was understanding. When I was lost in this cold cruel world, he was encouraging. When I married a man he had never met, he was supportive and when I made the biggest change in my life, he was proud. My Grandpa has and always will have a special place in my heart. I think about him constantly throughout every day and just pray that he is at peace up in Heaven.

                                                         I love you Grandpa.

The Lost Summer

Well I am back. Ooof-da! That was quite the summer. It went slow and fast all at the same time.

For those who don't know I was on a mini deployment this summer called RIMPAC. I left June 15th and returned August 10th. It was the longest underway I have ever been on and it was such a learning experience as to what a full length deployment is going to really be like. I learned all about the right things to pack, how to organize my limited living space for optimal storage, where to do my laundry, how to handle now living with 300+ coworkers and got the most hands on training for my job I could ever ask for. My days consisted of working 1300 to 0100 (yes, I'm going to use military time right now), where I ran around with my head cut off trying to put together radio circuits that were constantly breaking, unlocking computer accounts when people constantly forget their passwords, and trying to find any second I can to study for my advancement exam I have to take this fall. When it wasn't my turn to be work I spent my time sleeping and watching movies and episodes of Smallville on my laptop. In the beginning of my trip I tried to work out but it is really hard to run on a treadmill while on a roller-coaster at the same time. See, I am stationed on a smaller ship and let me tell you, the waves can make us rock pretty bad so I learned that trying to workout while the boat is rocking was just making me seasick. It started to feel like the days were getting very long so I decided to just not go outside. I know it sounds weird but by not going outside it made the days go faster. Once you stop seeing the sun you lose the concept of day and night; of time. I made myself just go into a constant rotation of 12 hours of working and 12 hours off. It made time go very fast!

And then our port visit happened. My ship made two stops in Pearl Harbor, HI which sounds amazing, right? No. And when I tell people that they give me the hardest time. "Oh yea right! Must be awful to be in Hawaii". Well it was. Imagine spending every second of every day with no privacy, with living with your coworkers, working 80 hours a week; you now have a day off and the only people to share it with are the coworkers you have been working and living with. Now I am totally capable of hanging out by myself and having a great time, but it's hard to want to learn to surf or go scuba diving when there is no one you care about next to you to share it. I spent time on the beach in the sun trying to make time go faster so I can just get home. I think Hawaii would be a blast.......if I was on vacation with my husband or my family. So some day I hope to go back just for fun and not work.

Among all this job learning and new style of life while I was gone there was one thing that I just couldn't learn. I couldn't learn to live without my husband. I know it sounds cheesy and sappy but that was something that I never got used to. It was hard everyday to wake up without him next to me, to not share my day with him except through email. It was very difficult to have a long distance relationship all through email. It felt like we were living 2 completely separate lives and it was very hard. I constantly couldn't wait to be home with him again.

When I finally made it home it was AMAZING to be in my husband's arms and get a whiff of his scent as he hugged me. I came home to my favorite meal cooking in the crock pot, a dozen roses, a clean house and as many kisses from my husband as I wanted. Once the exciting weekend with my husband had ended reality set in. I was back to work on that following Monday and we were busier than ever. It wasn't work that was difficult to adjust to, it was being home again. I had only been gone 2 months but from my perspective a lot of things had changed. Of course they were all little things but they were little things that I wasn't a part of.

One thing the people rarely talk about is what it is like when you are finally home. Everyone talks about the struggles of being apart and how hard it must be for the military member and for the family, but no one talks about the military member's struggle to fit in when they finally get home. While you are gone it is like you are frozen in time, frozen in a world on a different planet. On the ship, in the middle of the ocean, I literally only saw the people who were out there with me. The only contact with the outside world was through email or searching the internet if you had the time. So when you finally come out of this frozen world, you come back to new songs on the radio, new movies in the theater, a new season of the year and bigger things like your husband having new friends, new work schedule and your sister-in-law having a new husband. Everyone talks about the lonely feeling you have while you are away but it is never realized that that lonely feeling is still there when you come back and it makes it difficult because you feel like that feeling should just automatically go away the second you arrive at home, but it doesn't. I was struggling and trying to help my husband understand when I was feeling was difficult.

The most important thing I learned by this whole experience is that when I come home it is best to accept that I will feel lonely when I get home, that I will feel left out, that I will feel like I don't know where I belong. It doesn't work to fight it. Fighting it only causes more anxiety and loneliness. I had to be honest with my husband how I was feeling and he had to learn that he couldn't fix it for me. A husband always wants his wife to be happy and he hates to see her sad, but I just needed to listen and understand that I was struggling and that he couldn't fix it. This lonely feeling does pass and you can't force it to pass. Patience. Patience of me and patience of my husband are the only two things that helped me get through my struggle.

Being gone for a couple months and coming back was quite the experience and it has helped me get a better idea as to how my full deployment is going to go and how to deal with the ups and downs. Until I leave again I am going to soak up every second with the hubs that I can.

Welcome Home!

Good-bye....for now.

Well, of course, being in the military my schedule changes constantly and while I thought I would be spending my summer in sunny San Diego with my husband, I am now going to be spending it in the middle of the ocean. I leave next week for a few months of living on the ship with a few stops in Hawaii. And while Hawaii will be an amazing place to visit I really wish I could be there with my husband. I'm going to miss him so much. He is my husband, my best friend, my everything.

I don't want to think about the sad things like missing my husband so I will be focusing on work while I am gone. I have a few goals set for myself while I am on the ship this summer that I know will keep me incredibly busy the whole time, which in turn will make the days go by faster. And while I am in Hawaii, I won't be thinking about this romantic island I will be on by myself, but be putting my energy into fun, amazing things like scuba diving, hiking and visiting the USS Arizona.

I look forward to being back in San Diego already. I know I don't post on my blog very often at all anymore but I had to say "Good-bye"...for now.

When You Think It, You See It

So ever since the hubs and I have been trying to have a baby it is constantly on my mind. In the beginning, we were trying but not stressing about it. That is easier said than done for a woman who wants a baby. The last 2 months have been a little more difficult. It seems that everyone is getting pregnant. And not that I just happen to see pregnant woman everywhere (I do all the time), but people I actually know are pregnant; my sister-in-law, my cousin's wife, my coworker, my other coworkers wife, and a friend from back home. I'm not even going to mention all the people on facebook who are posting their due dates. And while I couldn't be happier for those people, I will admit that I am slightly jealous and wish it was me. Not that I don't want them to be preggers, I just want to know when I will be. Because if it is not going to be a while then I can let my mind take a break until it is my turn.

I try every time someone I know gets pregnant to stay positive about me having a baby some day, but there always seems to be that little thought in my mind saying, "what if I can't have children?". I know I shouldn't even worry about it at this point, but after seeing some women get pregnant without even trying it's hard not to get a little sad that my husband and I are trying and haven't gotten pregnant yet.

This week was just one of those down weeks. But I am just going to try and stay positive and hopefully my turn will be sooner rather than later. :)

Relax Overload

So since our inspection has been over 2 weeks ago I have only had to work 2 days. It was absolutely the best feeling at first but then I started my 2nd 4 day weekend and it was too much. I think it would have made a difference if the hubs didn't work literally the whole weekend. And I know everyone says "but you're in San Diego, how could you be bored?", but it isn't that simple. With gas prices being almost $5/ gal, trying to save money to fly back home for a couple weddings and not wanting to explore too much of this fun city without including my husband, activities can be limited. I original plan was to tan in my backyard on all my days off, but it came to an epic fail when it rained and was a high of 60 both weekends I had off.

This first weekend I was starting to crazy with baby thoughts. I have to say that it is incredibly difficult when you are trying to have a baby to not read into everything that your body is doing. Since I was bored and have intense baby fever I filled many hours reading so many articles on the best ways to get pregnant and there were some silly ideas out there. I started to go crazy not being able to think about anything else.

And then I was given such a sweet gift that has occupied my time and my mind. :)

                                                       Meet Rory Rodriguez!!

She is 3.5 months old, 4lbs, a chihuahua  mix and we saved her. I love her so much!! And our other dog Ripley loves her too. They play together all the time, constantly picking on each other like siblings do. Because she is a puppy I have been kept a little busy making sure she gets potty trained and starts learning some tricks. She already knows sit. :) My husband asked me what we are going to do if we get pregnant and I said "We will just have a very busy house." and that's the way we like it.

The End!! :)

Oh my goodness!! So INSURV (this big inspection for our ship) is finally over!! This week was very tiring and the my first experience on a ship was an exhausting one. But now I am about to enjoy 4 days off in a row, work 1 day, then 1 day off, underway for a day and then another 4 day weekend!!! It's going to be AMAZING!!! It's too bad that my hubby works alot while I'm off but sleeping in will be awesome! Also having a life will be an amazing feeling. I will now have the time to do the things I enjoy like crochet, read, go to the beach, be outside, go to theme parks, go hiking, see all of San Diego and get to see my husband for more than an hour a day. Let the relaxing begin!

More Journal Entries

16Nov10
Today was much better than yesterday. we had our swim test this morning, which was easy. We had to jump off a 10 ft. platform, which is just like the diving boards at the Fargo pool, swim a length of the pool, tread water for five minutes and self inflate our coveralls. today is the only day of swimming I will do. We also had to IT this afternoon. Chief had a row of about 5 girls and 4 guys who were reported of cussing at other recruits, pushing while marching and talking back to our leaders, that had to stand and watch all of us work out because of them. It  sucked. Hopefully they felt bad enough to get their shit together. Or so we thought but alas it ended up being the same girls screwing around before taps (bedtime) that caused us not to get any mail tonight. The males got their mail and we didn't because the females were too slow getting ready for bed. That made me sad because I am really longing for the comfort of home. I'm starting to over analyze things and starting to get paranoid that Michael is going to send me a letter ending things with me. I would be heartbroken. I know this is just as hard on him, if not more hard on him, than it is on me. Believe me this is extremely hard for me, but at least I'm doing something brand new everyday. I can't imagine being in Fargo waiting for the person I love. Hopefully I'm still that person for him. I miss his voice. Just about every entry I talk about the things i miss. I'll try and talk about more things that are happening here.




19Nov10
Today was a pretty good day. I traveled around base by myself to my security clearance interview and didn't get lost or in trouble. I also got to talk to my mom on the phone for a little while. It was awesome to hear her voice. I'm starting to get really worn down. I keep thinking about home and how I'm constantly tired, constantly sore and ready to leave. But we got our first batch of letters yesterday and it was AMAZING! It helped so much to hear from Erin, Michael, my mom and dad, Linette and Duane and Grandma and Grandpa Nies. Their encouraging words really make a difference. I hope to keep getting letters from everyone! Two days ago I saw SR Auer in the galley (cafeteria) and almost started crying. She was in DEP with me right before I left for boot camp and is here at basic. We became pretty good friends. We gave each other a quick thumbs up and a smile since we never allowed to talk. She was a little piece from home that I needed. Luckily for her she graduates next week if she didn't today actually. I know I'll stay in contact with her because she was my first Navy friend.


24Nov10
Crazy how busy I've been the last few days. Monday was our first inspection where we were inspected on our uniforms and bunk drill. everything is timed! We start off in PT shirt and shorts and have 20 minutes to put on our NWU (blue camouflage) the precise way. We then stand at attention while the inspector asks you a question and looks at every detail. If something is wrong you get what is called a "hit". Three hits and you fail. The same goes for the bunk drill which consists of 2 minutes to strip your bed, then 12 minutes to put it together. I completely kicked ass and was 1 of 6 out of 80 recruits who had absolutely zero hits on both parts. Then Tuesday we spent all day studying and folding because today we had our first academic test and zone inspection where they check to see how meat your locker is. I, again, kicked ass! I only got 2 hits for zone when the division average was 6 hits and I was in the top ten highest scores of the division on our test. I'm so proud of myself! Other crazy news is that our division gets to perform drill and drum line at graduation and i get to be 1 of 4 snares. we also will perform at a graduation a few weeks before ours and it will be in front of MCPON; Master Chief Petty Officer of the Navy who is 4 steps below the President in the Chain of Command. He is the highest enlisted rank and there can only be one. It's a huge honor! This makes me so motivated to be here; that I'm doing things no one else I know will get to do. I like that I'm not just going through things to just pass but to try and get 100%. I also work my ass off all day to make sure I don't screw up so it's nice to see the rewards of my efforts. Bradford and Lopez are the same way. We work hard, don't get daily recognition but it shows in our individual scores. Just gotta keep on truckin'! All the letters I get really help with the motivation. we finally get to receive our letters daily but can only send out on Sunday still. I figured out it takes about a week for the letters to get here. it will be screwed up tomorrow since it's Thanksgiving. It doesn't feel like it at all. Some of the girls are really sad about it, which I'm sad too, but I just don't focus on that. This is my family right now and we will have Thanksgiving together. It's all good! I hope everyone at home enjoys the holidays enough for me. It's so funny to me that I hate the winters but while I'm down here every time we got outside and I smell that 30 degree air it makes me miss home. while I miss it though, I know I won't when I'm in Florida in January, February and March!
I hope I get more pictures from people. Krissy sent me a picture of the kids and it is so cute. also the card smells like a nice clean house and Bradford, Lopez and I couldn't stop smelling it. My mom's letter also made me laugh with quotes of Legally Blonde and Michael's with a drawn picture of Homer Simpson as a Petty Officer. Things like that definitely make me smile after a long day of yelling. It's weird how when you first get here the yelling is scary but you truly get used to it. Our RDC's are just starting to lighten up a little but ours are also known to be the toughest ones on base. Our Chief is awesome though. Chief Dobbs pushes us like nothing you've seen before and he says he does it so we can be the type of sailors that get early promotions. Those ones are called EP Sailors and they are elite. They are the ones that earn ribbons, medals and promotions. That's my goal too so it's nice to have the person heading who is leading to push you  to that goal. I know I can do it. I feel like this is where I'm suppose to be finally.