It has been just over a year since my last blog entry and while I thought about writing so many times I realized that there wasn't much I was allowed to say. The last year of my life has been revolved around preparing to be deployed and while I wanted to write about all the thoughts, feelings and anxieties I was having I really couldn't say much without divulging information about the deployment itself that would compromise ship's information. I, also, didn't want to think about it more than I had to. I was excited to have an adventure of a lifetime, but fighting the depression of leaving my husband came with that excitement. The two weeks before I left I really struggled wanting to do anything. As much as I knew I should leave the house or see people I just simply didn't want to. I was susceptible to tears falling at any moment and would sit on the couch cuddled up with my puppies any time I was home alone. Moments with my husband never seemed to last long enough and the count down to departure went faster and faster. The time came. That dreadful moment of saying "Good-bye" had arrived.
Don't worry, I will fill you in on every experience that I have had over the last 6 months once I finally get home. I plan to eventually write out the entire deployment and take you on the journey that I have traveled and will forever be a part of me. For now is just going to be a small look into the mental/emotional roller coaster of being a deployed Navy Wife.
The joys and challenges of being a new wife are always quite the adventure. The joys and challenges of being in the Navy is a whole other adventure. Now slam those 2 roles into one of the most challenging situations a person can be put in and that is my current life. I am currently deployed and have been for just about 6 months. Dealing with a deployment is stressful, full of anxiety, a learning experience, a challenge, a chance to grow, an adventure and a roller coaster to say the least. My days consist of working at least 12 hours a day, 7 days a week and right when I think I have caught up on my daily tasks.......something breaks. Radio circuits down.....entire network down......challenge accepted! I have learned to delegate, prioritize and manage my time better than I ever have in the past. And don't think that working with all guys in the shop scares me; they know who's boss. :) I hold my own and have earned their respect and established myself as a credible IT on the ship. My parents always taught me that hard work will pay off, maybe not right away or when you want it to, but it will pay off some day, when it counts the most.
Wrangling my own stress, emotions and mental challenges is a feet all on its own, but let's not forget the most important person in my life; my husband. The biggest challenge we have learned we face is that while I am being deployed we live separate lives and neither one of us can fully understand the other. It has caused a few altercations, but it has only caused us to grow as a couple and really learn to communicate. We have learned that we both have to really put ourselves in the other person's shoes and accept that we cannot fully understand the life of the other person right now. After working out the kinks we have found that laughter is the best thing for us and that we are each entitled to our bad days. Those bad days become fewer as time goes on but the best way to support each other during those bad days is to know that we can't fix it and to just support each other. We have become an excellent tag team of alternating whose turn it is to be down and sad. We take turns lifting each other up while the other wants to give up. That's the crazy part, though, is that there is no giving up. How do you decided that you want to quit being apart? Quit living separate lives? Quit having a long-distance relationship? You don't. You don't have a choice so all you can do is learn to adapt and it has made our relationship stronger. I am so lucky to have such a supportive husband and if you know my husband at all you can only imagine how much he makes me laugh even from thousands of miles away. :)
I miss my husband more than anything. More than my own bed, my own clothes, a couch, my puppies, driving, a home-cooked meal, a beer after a stressful day, chocolate......mmmmmm chocolate. Ok, now I'm day dreaming of all the things I miss on a daily basis. You never realize how great it is to shower without shower shoes on until it is no longer allowed in your life. I'm a little anxious about coming home only because the smallest changes are going to feel like stepping into the delorian to go back to the future. It was spring when I left and now when I return there will be holiday decorations all around. Summer beach time was just simply non-existent. Football season will be half over. My nephew will be almost 1 year old. Hopefully my puppies still remember me. New neighbors. New fall styles. New movies in theaters. New music on the radio. A hundred little changes can get overwhelming. I just know that I will have to follow some of my mom's famous words, "Just take it one day at a time".
I am loving and understanding towards my husband and a ball-buster to my shipmates........I am a Navy Wife.
Friday, September 13, 2013
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Piece of My Heart
No matter how hard I tried to prepare myself I found that I couldn't be fully ready for August 23, 2012. That morning I received a phone call from my dad that my Grandpa Joe had gone to Heaven and while I knew that this day was coming, hearing those words just made my heart sink. I had dreaded this day ever since I was old enough to understand death. And now it was here.
I am a private person so tell my Chief the news was difficult but needed to be done so I could get time off to go to the funeral and be with my family. All the paperwork had been set up and my plane ticket was bought. During the few days in San Diego before the funeral I thought I would be an emotional wreck. I oddly wasn't. I found that being so far away from what was all happening made me slide into denial. I kept repeating "My Grandpa has died" in my head over and over and over but it never seemed real. The night before I was scheduled to fly back to Minnesota I was incredibly nervous. I knew that I had been feeling nothing the last couple days and that as soon as I would get back to Minnesota I would be a disaster. I told my husband I was nervous and he was a little surprised to hear me say that. He thought I would be looking forward to being around my family during this hard time. I told him that usually I would be excited to see my family, but that I also knew that all my sadness was going to hit me like a brick wall. When I go to Grandma's house the first thing I do when I walk in the door is look for Grandpa to give him a huge hug but I knew that this time when I would get to my Grandma's, my Grandpa wouldn't be there and that realization was going to engulf me like a tsunami.
I made it through a few hours of flying without a single tear. Had my mom and dad pick me up at the airport and still tear free. Then......we got my grandma's house, got out of the car and hugged my mom. I was done. I can only count on 1 hand the number of moments that I wasn't crying from that point on. The next few days were spent with my parents, siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins sharing memories of my grandpa and discussing how we can't imagine life without him. It was amazing to hear everyone's perspective of Grandpa and how he had affected their own life. While we all had different memories about Grandpa that stuck out to us there was one thing that we all could easily agree on; he always made sure that we knew he loved us.
Imagine a person who made you feel as though you were perfect regardless of every mistake you made in life, a person who was always interested in what you had to say and a person who truly loved you unconditionally. That was my Grandpa.
A lot of people talk of their own grandpa as a man full of wisdom and advice, and while my Grandpa was very wise he was the best listener you could ever meet. My Grandpa didn't want you to live life according his rules; he sincerely only cared if you were happy. He always wanted to hear everything that was going on in your life even if he didn't understand the new age rules of dating, what texting meant or what your college major all entailed. He just wanted to be a part of your life.
My Grandpa was my favorite person in life. He was truly there for me throughout my 25 years on this earth and always made me feel so loved. When I made ridiculous mistakes and was ashamed of myself, he was understanding. When I was lost in this cold cruel world, he was encouraging. When I married a man he had never met, he was supportive and when I made the biggest change in my life, he was proud. My Grandpa has and always will have a special place in my heart. I think about him constantly throughout every day and just pray that he is at peace up in Heaven.
I love you Grandpa.
I am a private person so tell my Chief the news was difficult but needed to be done so I could get time off to go to the funeral and be with my family. All the paperwork had been set up and my plane ticket was bought. During the few days in San Diego before the funeral I thought I would be an emotional wreck. I oddly wasn't. I found that being so far away from what was all happening made me slide into denial. I kept repeating "My Grandpa has died" in my head over and over and over but it never seemed real. The night before I was scheduled to fly back to Minnesota I was incredibly nervous. I knew that I had been feeling nothing the last couple days and that as soon as I would get back to Minnesota I would be a disaster. I told my husband I was nervous and he was a little surprised to hear me say that. He thought I would be looking forward to being around my family during this hard time. I told him that usually I would be excited to see my family, but that I also knew that all my sadness was going to hit me like a brick wall. When I go to Grandma's house the first thing I do when I walk in the door is look for Grandpa to give him a huge hug but I knew that this time when I would get to my Grandma's, my Grandpa wouldn't be there and that realization was going to engulf me like a tsunami.
I made it through a few hours of flying without a single tear. Had my mom and dad pick me up at the airport and still tear free. Then......we got my grandma's house, got out of the car and hugged my mom. I was done. I can only count on 1 hand the number of moments that I wasn't crying from that point on. The next few days were spent with my parents, siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins sharing memories of my grandpa and discussing how we can't imagine life without him. It was amazing to hear everyone's perspective of Grandpa and how he had affected their own life. While we all had different memories about Grandpa that stuck out to us there was one thing that we all could easily agree on; he always made sure that we knew he loved us.
Imagine a person who made you feel as though you were perfect regardless of every mistake you made in life, a person who was always interested in what you had to say and a person who truly loved you unconditionally. That was my Grandpa.
A lot of people talk of their own grandpa as a man full of wisdom and advice, and while my Grandpa was very wise he was the best listener you could ever meet. My Grandpa didn't want you to live life according his rules; he sincerely only cared if you were happy. He always wanted to hear everything that was going on in your life even if he didn't understand the new age rules of dating, what texting meant or what your college major all entailed. He just wanted to be a part of your life.
My Grandpa was my favorite person in life. He was truly there for me throughout my 25 years on this earth and always made me feel so loved. When I made ridiculous mistakes and was ashamed of myself, he was understanding. When I was lost in this cold cruel world, he was encouraging. When I married a man he had never met, he was supportive and when I made the biggest change in my life, he was proud. My Grandpa has and always will have a special place in my heart. I think about him constantly throughout every day and just pray that he is at peace up in Heaven.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
The Lost Summer
Well I am back. Ooof-da! That was quite the summer. It went slow and fast all at the same time.
For those who don't know I was on a mini deployment this summer called RIMPAC. I left June 15th and returned August 10th. It was the longest underway I have ever been on and it was such a learning experience as to what a full length deployment is going to really be like. I learned all about the right things to pack, how to organize my limited living space for optimal storage, where to do my laundry, how to handle now living with 300+ coworkers and got the most hands on training for my job I could ever ask for. My days consisted of working 1300 to 0100 (yes, I'm going to use military time right now), where I ran around with my head cut off trying to put together radio circuits that were constantly breaking, unlocking computer accounts when people constantly forget their passwords, and trying to find any second I can to study for my advancement exam I have to take this fall. When it wasn't my turn to be work I spent my time sleeping and watching movies and episodes of Smallville on my laptop. In the beginning of my trip I tried to work out but it is really hard to run on a treadmill while on a roller-coaster at the same time. See, I am stationed on a smaller ship and let me tell you, the waves can make us rock pretty bad so I learned that trying to workout while the boat is rocking was just making me seasick. It started to feel like the days were getting very long so I decided to just not go outside. I know it sounds weird but by not going outside it made the days go faster. Once you stop seeing the sun you lose the concept of day and night; of time. I made myself just go into a constant rotation of 12 hours of working and 12 hours off. It made time go very fast!
And then our port visit happened. My ship made two stops in Pearl Harbor, HI which sounds amazing, right? No. And when I tell people that they give me the hardest time. "Oh yea right! Must be awful to be in Hawaii". Well it was. Imagine spending every second of every day with no privacy, with living with your coworkers, working 80 hours a week; you now have a day off and the only people to share it with are the coworkers you have been working and living with. Now I am totally capable of hanging out by myself and having a great time, but it's hard to want to learn to surf or go scuba diving when there is no one you care about next to you to share it. I spent time on the beach in the sun trying to make time go faster so I can just get home. I think Hawaii would be a blast.......if I was on vacation with my husband or my family. So some day I hope to go back just for fun and not work.
Among all this job learning and new style of life while I was gone there was one thing that I just couldn't learn. I couldn't learn to live without my husband. I know it sounds cheesy and sappy but that was something that I never got used to. It was hard everyday to wake up without him next to me, to not share my day with him except through email. It was very difficult to have a long distance relationship all through email. It felt like we were living 2 completely separate lives and it was very hard. I constantly couldn't wait to be home with him again.
When I finally made it home it was AMAZING to be in my husband's arms and get a whiff of his scent as he hugged me. I came home to my favorite meal cooking in the crock pot, a dozen roses, a clean house and as many kisses from my husband as I wanted. Once the exciting weekend with my husband had ended reality set in. I was back to work on that following Monday and we were busier than ever. It wasn't work that was difficult to adjust to, it was being home again. I had only been gone 2 months but from my perspective a lot of things had changed. Of course they were all little things but they were little things that I wasn't a part of.
One thing the people rarely talk about is what it is like when you are finally home. Everyone talks about the struggles of being apart and how hard it must be for the military member and for the family, but no one talks about the military member's struggle to fit in when they finally get home. While you are gone it is like you are frozen in time, frozen in a world on a different planet. On the ship, in the middle of the ocean, I literally only saw the people who were out there with me. The only contact with the outside world was through email or searching the internet if you had the time. So when you finally come out of this frozen world, you come back to new songs on the radio, new movies in the theater, a new season of the year and bigger things like your husband having new friends, new work schedule and your sister-in-law having a new husband. Everyone talks about the lonely feeling you have while you are away but it is never realized that that lonely feeling is still there when you come back and it makes it difficult because you feel like that feeling should just automatically go away the second you arrive at home, but it doesn't. I was struggling and trying to help my husband understand when I was feeling was difficult.
The most important thing I learned by this whole experience is that when I come home it is best to accept that I will feel lonely when I get home, that I will feel left out, that I will feel like I don't know where I belong. It doesn't work to fight it. Fighting it only causes more anxiety and loneliness. I had to be honest with my husband how I was feeling and he had to learn that he couldn't fix it for me. A husband always wants his wife to be happy and he hates to see her sad, but I just needed to listen and understand that I was struggling and that he couldn't fix it. This lonely feeling does pass and you can't force it to pass. Patience. Patience of me and patience of my husband are the only two things that helped me get through my struggle.
Being gone for a couple months and coming back was quite the experience and it has helped me get a better idea as to how my full deployment is going to go and how to deal with the ups and downs. Until I leave again I am going to soak up every second with the hubs that I can.
Welcome Home!
For those who don't know I was on a mini deployment this summer called RIMPAC. I left June 15th and returned August 10th. It was the longest underway I have ever been on and it was such a learning experience as to what a full length deployment is going to really be like. I learned all about the right things to pack, how to organize my limited living space for optimal storage, where to do my laundry, how to handle now living with 300+ coworkers and got the most hands on training for my job I could ever ask for. My days consisted of working 1300 to 0100 (yes, I'm going to use military time right now), where I ran around with my head cut off trying to put together radio circuits that were constantly breaking, unlocking computer accounts when people constantly forget their passwords, and trying to find any second I can to study for my advancement exam I have to take this fall. When it wasn't my turn to be work I spent my time sleeping and watching movies and episodes of Smallville on my laptop. In the beginning of my trip I tried to work out but it is really hard to run on a treadmill while on a roller-coaster at the same time. See, I am stationed on a smaller ship and let me tell you, the waves can make us rock pretty bad so I learned that trying to workout while the boat is rocking was just making me seasick. It started to feel like the days were getting very long so I decided to just not go outside. I know it sounds weird but by not going outside it made the days go faster. Once you stop seeing the sun you lose the concept of day and night; of time. I made myself just go into a constant rotation of 12 hours of working and 12 hours off. It made time go very fast!
And then our port visit happened. My ship made two stops in Pearl Harbor, HI which sounds amazing, right? No. And when I tell people that they give me the hardest time. "Oh yea right! Must be awful to be in Hawaii". Well it was. Imagine spending every second of every day with no privacy, with living with your coworkers, working 80 hours a week; you now have a day off and the only people to share it with are the coworkers you have been working and living with. Now I am totally capable of hanging out by myself and having a great time, but it's hard to want to learn to surf or go scuba diving when there is no one you care about next to you to share it. I spent time on the beach in the sun trying to make time go faster so I can just get home. I think Hawaii would be a blast.......if I was on vacation with my husband or my family. So some day I hope to go back just for fun and not work.
Among all this job learning and new style of life while I was gone there was one thing that I just couldn't learn. I couldn't learn to live without my husband. I know it sounds cheesy and sappy but that was something that I never got used to. It was hard everyday to wake up without him next to me, to not share my day with him except through email. It was very difficult to have a long distance relationship all through email. It felt like we were living 2 completely separate lives and it was very hard. I constantly couldn't wait to be home with him again.
When I finally made it home it was AMAZING to be in my husband's arms and get a whiff of his scent as he hugged me. I came home to my favorite meal cooking in the crock pot, a dozen roses, a clean house and as many kisses from my husband as I wanted. Once the exciting weekend with my husband had ended reality set in. I was back to work on that following Monday and we were busier than ever. It wasn't work that was difficult to adjust to, it was being home again. I had only been gone 2 months but from my perspective a lot of things had changed. Of course they were all little things but they were little things that I wasn't a part of.
One thing the people rarely talk about is what it is like when you are finally home. Everyone talks about the struggles of being apart and how hard it must be for the military member and for the family, but no one talks about the military member's struggle to fit in when they finally get home. While you are gone it is like you are frozen in time, frozen in a world on a different planet. On the ship, in the middle of the ocean, I literally only saw the people who were out there with me. The only contact with the outside world was through email or searching the internet if you had the time. So when you finally come out of this frozen world, you come back to new songs on the radio, new movies in the theater, a new season of the year and bigger things like your husband having new friends, new work schedule and your sister-in-law having a new husband. Everyone talks about the lonely feeling you have while you are away but it is never realized that that lonely feeling is still there when you come back and it makes it difficult because you feel like that feeling should just automatically go away the second you arrive at home, but it doesn't. I was struggling and trying to help my husband understand when I was feeling was difficult.
The most important thing I learned by this whole experience is that when I come home it is best to accept that I will feel lonely when I get home, that I will feel left out, that I will feel like I don't know where I belong. It doesn't work to fight it. Fighting it only causes more anxiety and loneliness. I had to be honest with my husband how I was feeling and he had to learn that he couldn't fix it for me. A husband always wants his wife to be happy and he hates to see her sad, but I just needed to listen and understand that I was struggling and that he couldn't fix it. This lonely feeling does pass and you can't force it to pass. Patience. Patience of me and patience of my husband are the only two things that helped me get through my struggle.
Being gone for a couple months and coming back was quite the experience and it has helped me get a better idea as to how my full deployment is going to go and how to deal with the ups and downs. Until I leave again I am going to soak up every second with the hubs that I can.
Welcome Home!
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Good-bye....for now.
Well, of course, being in the military my schedule changes constantly and while I thought I would be spending my summer in sunny San Diego with my husband, I am now going to be spending it in the middle of the ocean. I leave next week for a few months of living on the ship with a few stops in Hawaii. And while Hawaii will be an amazing place to visit I really wish I could be there with my husband. I'm going to miss him so much. He is my husband, my best friend, my everything.
I don't want to think about the sad things like missing my husband so I will be focusing on work while I am gone. I have a few goals set for myself while I am on the ship this summer that I know will keep me incredibly busy the whole time, which in turn will make the days go by faster. And while I am in Hawaii, I won't be thinking about this romantic island I will be on by myself, but be putting my energy into fun, amazing things like scuba diving, hiking and visiting the USS Arizona.
I look forward to being back in San Diego already. I know I don't post on my blog very often at all anymore but I had to say "Good-bye"...for now.
I don't want to think about the sad things like missing my husband so I will be focusing on work while I am gone. I have a few goals set for myself while I am on the ship this summer that I know will keep me incredibly busy the whole time, which in turn will make the days go by faster. And while I am in Hawaii, I won't be thinking about this romantic island I will be on by myself, but be putting my energy into fun, amazing things like scuba diving, hiking and visiting the USS Arizona.
I look forward to being back in San Diego already. I know I don't post on my blog very often at all anymore but I had to say "Good-bye"...for now.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
When You Think It, You See It
So ever since the hubs and I have been trying to have a baby it is constantly on my mind. In the beginning, we were trying but not stressing about it. That is easier said than done for a woman who wants a baby. The last 2 months have been a little more difficult. It seems that everyone is getting pregnant. And not that I just happen to see pregnant woman everywhere (I do all the time), but people I actually know are pregnant; my sister-in-law, my cousin's wife, my coworker, my other coworkers wife, and a friend from back home. I'm not even going to mention all the people on facebook who are posting their due dates. And while I couldn't be happier for those people, I will admit that I am slightly jealous and wish it was me. Not that I don't want them to be preggers, I just want to know when I will be. Because if it is not going to be a while then I can let my mind take a break until it is my turn.
I try every time someone I know gets pregnant to stay positive about me having a baby some day, but there always seems to be that little thought in my mind saying, "what if I can't have children?". I know I shouldn't even worry about it at this point, but after seeing some women get pregnant without even trying it's hard not to get a little sad that my husband and I are trying and haven't gotten pregnant yet.
This week was just one of those down weeks. But I am just going to try and stay positive and hopefully my turn will be sooner rather than later. :)
I try every time someone I know gets pregnant to stay positive about me having a baby some day, but there always seems to be that little thought in my mind saying, "what if I can't have children?". I know I shouldn't even worry about it at this point, but after seeing some women get pregnant without even trying it's hard not to get a little sad that my husband and I are trying and haven't gotten pregnant yet.
This week was just one of those down weeks. But I am just going to try and stay positive and hopefully my turn will be sooner rather than later. :)
Monday, March 26, 2012
Relax Overload
So since our inspection has been over 2 weeks ago I have only had to work 2 days. It was absolutely the best feeling at first but then I started my 2nd 4 day weekend and it was too much. I think it would have made a difference if the hubs didn't work literally the whole weekend. And I know everyone says "but you're in San Diego, how could you be bored?", but it isn't that simple. With gas prices being almost $5/ gal, trying to save money to fly back home for a couple weddings and not wanting to explore too much of this fun city without including my husband, activities can be limited. I original plan was to tan in my backyard on all my days off, but it came to an epic fail when it rained and was a high of 60 both weekends I had off.
This first weekend I was starting to crazy with baby thoughts. I have to say that it is incredibly difficult when you are trying to have a baby to not read into everything that your body is doing. Since I was bored and have intense baby fever I filled many hours reading so many articles on the best ways to get pregnant and there were some silly ideas out there. I started to go crazy not being able to think about anything else.
And then I was given such a sweet gift that has occupied my time and my mind. :)
Meet Rory Rodriguez!!
She is 3.5 months old, 4lbs, a chihuahua mix and we saved her. I love her so much!! And our other dog Ripley loves her too. They play together all the time, constantly picking on each other like siblings do. Because she is a puppy I have been kept a little busy making sure she gets potty trained and starts learning some tricks. She already knows sit. :) My husband asked me what we are going to do if we get pregnant and I said "We will just have a very busy house." and that's the way we like it.
This first weekend I was starting to crazy with baby thoughts. I have to say that it is incredibly difficult when you are trying to have a baby to not read into everything that your body is doing. Since I was bored and have intense baby fever I filled many hours reading so many articles on the best ways to get pregnant and there were some silly ideas out there. I started to go crazy not being able to think about anything else.
And then I was given such a sweet gift that has occupied my time and my mind. :)
Meet Rory Rodriguez!!
Thursday, March 15, 2012
The End!! :)
Oh my goodness!! So INSURV (this big inspection for our ship) is finally over!! This week was very tiring and the my first experience on a ship was an exhausting one. But now I am about to enjoy 4 days off in a row, work 1 day, then 1 day off, underway for a day and then another 4 day weekend!!! It's going to be AMAZING!!! It's too bad that my hubby works alot while I'm off but sleeping in will be awesome! Also having a life will be an amazing feeling. I will now have the time to do the things I enjoy like crochet, read, go to the beach, be outside, go to theme parks, go hiking, see all of San Diego and get to see my husband for more than an hour a day. Let the relaxing begin!
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