Fargo

Living in Fargo seems like forever ago!

So as I was driving to work today, rocking out to the radio like usual, the DJ's starting talking about a man who was hit by a train earlier this morning. Its quite sad but then it gets even sadder. There are eye witness reports that this man purposly stepped in front of the train. There was a woman in her car waiting for the train to pass on Broadway and Main Ave, which is directly in the middle of downtown, when she saw this man standing on the sidewalk watching the train come in their direction. She said she thought that he was just waiting for the train to pass so he could cross the tracks but then watched him step right in front of the train right before it got to the crossing. That makes this story even sadder! I don't know why it struck me so much but I just can't imagine standing, waiting for a train to come so I can step in front of it. And the poor train conductor who, i'm sure, felt horrible and completely helpless as this man was hit. I just feel bad for this man and his family and friends. Just some news today that saddened my heart.

On a much happier note.......I GET TO GO HOME TOMORROW!!!Erin is leaving for school the end of next week and Joe a few days after that so I'm heading to Alexandria for some fun in the sun with my siblings who i love oh so much! It's kind of weird to think that once they leave for school i'm only goign to see them one more time at Ben's wedding in the middle of October. Then i wont see them until end of December when they come to see me graduate basic training! So crazy! I'm going to miss them so much!!! My family meansthe world to me and their support through all of this has only helped me stay positive about my decision. Wooty Woot!!! A few days full of swimming, boating, tanning, movies, gossiping, delicious food, laughs, relaxing, Great Hunan, erin's awesome puppy chow, Go! with Joe, and tetherball!!!

work can't go fast enough tomorrow!

Throwback Thursday

I am bringing my old blog entries back to life. :) my original blog was started when I first enlisted, my 2nd blog was started when I first got married and I just kind of dropped my original one. I reread some of the original posts and thought it would be good to share those. Those posts are a small glimpse into my first few months of the biggest turning point of my life. Enjoy!:)

Well I figured the best way to share my newest adventure was to start a blog. I think writing all my thoughts and feelings out will help me keep any stress or anxiety down and any excitement and happiness up. With my newest life changing decision the best way for me to share what's going on is to blog. :P

Well I am officially in the Navy. I enlisted 3 weeks ago and just had my first DEP (Delayed Entry Program) meeting last night. Its a monthly meeting to discuss expectations and worries we may have, work out a little bit and get tested on all the things we need to memorize. It's to help us prepare for basic training. Whenever I'm around my fellow recruits I get so motivated to leave and start this new journey but then I come home or head to work and this whole new life is put on the back burner. It's starting to get a little frustrating. I don't really like being inbetween being a civillian and a sailor. I'm ready to just get going and dive right in. People ask if I'm nervous or excited and it really depends on the day. One day I will be dreadfully nervous and wondering what I got myself into because i'm usually thinking about missing my family and friends. But then the next day I'm can be so pumped to go because my job is going to be awesome and I hope to see the world. I love to travel and try new things and this is going to be amazing. The waiting is starting to seem like the worst part.

Let's see...i only have about a month and a half left in Fargo!!! I'm tired of being here. While I've met some great people that I will truely miss, Fargo is just dreadfully boring. Let's not even talk about Fargo winters!! I will be moving out of my apartment at the very end of September and moving home for the month of October. I'll spend some time with my grandparents and friends (Krista, Ryan, Jess) down in Minneapolis and then my brother's wedding will be middle of October. Then shortly after I leave!! While each day feels like it takes forever, the next 3 months are going to fly by!!

Anchors Away!

Balance

I had such a good weekend. I love those weekends that have an equal balance of fun, relaxation and productivity. I spent my weekend cleaning (that's the productive part), hiking in the sun, cooking/baking, going to the movies and enjoying the Farmer's Insurance Open with my hubs. It didn't go by too fast, but I wasn't bored either.

So we are continuing our fertility trip and I have decided to separate my blogs. I like using this blog for my random thoughts and our day to day life. As I was reading through them I felt like our fertility trip would be easier to follow if it was in a blog of its own. Also, I can then indulge in the fertility trip when I feel like it and completely ignore it and write about other things in this blog. So posted below is a link to my new blog that you can read if you want to follow along with this trip or, if you don't, then just don't click the link. :) some things in life are just that simple.

Road trip!!!!! Destination.....baby!:)

Moving On

Ok, so my week of negativity has passed. :) I am feeling more optimistic now, more at peace with my situation and more hopeful for the next step.

In the past when I have gotten down I usually try to do something to cheer myself up, but then I just get more frustrated that I am now pretending I am happy when I am not. So this last week I just let things be and it really helped me. I didn't try to cheer myself up and I just let myself feel however I felt.

I am fortunate enough to not have struggled with any miscarriages, but it still doesn't mean that sometimes I need to grieve over our struggle. For so long I thought it would be selfish to be upset that I wanted more in my life and bratty that I wasn't getting it when I wanted it. But having a baby is nothing like wanting a new iPhone or designer purse, it is a life changing experience that every couple should get to have and I am not in the wrong for wanting it so badly. So once I realized that it is ok for me to be down sometimes, it has helped me become more hopeful and less angry. So I am going to continue to feel what I feel when I feel it, not dwell on anything and move on each day.

Turn a Real Page

Have you ever read a book that from the beginning wasn't very good? And you keep reading it, hoping that things will turn and you will fall madly in love with characters and be captivated with their story.....but then you get to the last page and realize that moment never happened and you aren't sure why you wasted your time. Haha that just happened to me. I finished The Last Policeman by Ben H. Winters and it was bad. It was slow and boring and choppy. In defense of the book, though, I did randomly steal it from the ship and with no clue to its quality I read it. I suggest you don't. Haha but I am onto the next!

I am currently reading Return to Homecoming Ranch by Julia London and it is good so far. The first 5 pages are in the view of a specific character that had me laughing aloud from the beginning, so I can't wait for that person to show back up. This book I have in paperback and as much as I love my kindle, nothing beats the feeling of turning a real page.

Happy reading!

Round 2

I received a call the fertility clinic today and scheduled my baseline ultrasound for a February cycle.

*ding, ding* Round 2.

I haven't decided how I feel about it yet. I feel excited to get another chance. I, also, feel frustrated with the possibility that it may not happen for us. I know I should stay positive and I really am majority of the time, but I am mostly frustrated with how I have had to "stay positive" for so long. The fertility treatment process has not been long at all, with our first appointment being in the beginning of October, but I have had the excitement of possibly being pregnant for 3 years now. Let's just say the excitement meter is very low.

In the beginning, the idea of being pregnant was incredibly exciting. I wanted everything that came with it. I wanted to take pictures of my baby bump, complain about morning sickness to Michael, find out the gender, pick out a name, announce it to everyone and count down the days until that little baby would arrive. Now, I am getting to the point where I don't care about any of that.

I want to be a mom.

I want to be a mom so bad. I constantly think of seeing all my baby's firsts, sending them to school, hearing them talk, imagining Michael running throughout the house with them, disciplining them, cuddling them and most of all loving them. I want a child to love more than I want anything else in this whole world.

I shouldn't think this way, but I am already assuming that we won't get pregnant this month naturally or next month with another IUI. So I ask myself.....how long do I torture myself before Michael and I fill out an adoption application?

It's a lot to think about and being a woman I make sure I have time to think about all of it. I am sure tomorrow I will snap out of it and the excitement meter will rise, but just for this moment I am going to let myself feel however I feel.

Girliness <3

I find ways that the Navy has changed me regularly. I think about how I used to be completely comfortable with throwing my clothes on the floor, leaving dishes sit and have items strewn about. That is absolutely not the case anymore! Everything in our house has a place and it erks me worse and worse as time passes that they aren't in place. Michael had a friend from North Dakota visiting for the last 12 days so I gave up my bathroom (yes, I moved all that is girly into Michael's bathroom), and my spare room, which has become my puzzling sanctuary while Rob and Michael play video games. As soon and Michael's friend left today (actually before we left for the airport) I was already putting everything back to wear it belongs. On the ship, we cleaned every day and everything has a specific place in your rack so I have adopted that habit at home. I even vacuum at least once a week just because I think the lines on the carpet make it look neat and organized. I try to not be so bad and let things slide because when I really get crazy about it I start to get annoyed that Michael isn't as obsessed about it as I am and isn't helping. The Nerve!! Can you believe that guy?!? Haha so once I start to feel that way I know that I need to calm down and realize that life can be a little messy and even if I clean it right away... It will just be messy again tomorrow. :)

On another note...
I have been feeling super girly lately. Not sure why, but I am just all about wearing make-up, wearing cute clothes and painting my nails. I used to get in moods like this after being underway for a couple weeks and craved being out of my combat boots, but right now, I just want to be girly.

I absolutely love time with my husband, but I am looking forward to a weekend of girliness all by myself. I started my Friday night with the most recent episode of The Bachelor, leftover Chinese food and Leinenkugel's Cranberry Ginger Ale. Tomorrow, I am getting some relaxing acupuncture done, probably a little shopping for new make-up and bath supplies at a new store I heard about called Lush, followed by possibly In N' Out Burger and my new obsession TV show Parenthood. It's suppose to rain this weekend too so it will be perfect for relaxing girliness.