Deep South

Well, we have made it! The move from San Diego to Pensacola has finally arrived. It has been a long road trip (28 hours), but a successful one. We were fortunate enough to not encounter any car trouble and minimal road construction. It is time to sign our lease tomorrow and then, of course, head to the beach!

Rodriguez take over the South!!!

Snow in Cali

Well after a rough week last week, Michael and I decided to have a little getaway to clear our heads. We packed the car and headed to Palm Springs! It was gorgeous! If you ever get the chance to go, take it!

Palm Springs is a small (population 43,000), desert town that is perfect for a relaxing, resort feeling. There are golf courses galore, restaurants, cute shops and calming pools. When we first got to town we went on the Aerial Tramway which was amazeballs! This is a tram that takes you on a 10 minute ride to the top of the mountain at 8,500ft elevation. It was 84 degrees at the bottom and 40 degrees at the top where we enjoy hiking in the snow and a breathtaking view! That adventure alone was worth the trip.

We didn't go just for the snow, we went to blow off some stress and have some fun together. Well, we definitely did! We went out that night, met some locals, met some Canadians, and watched a 50 yr. old bartender spit fireballs from her mouth. It was the distraction we needed.

After a great weekend together we are back to reality. Planning our move is consuming most of our time, but we are also enjoying planning out our "Lasts in San Diego. We have already thought of a few restaurants we, for sure, want to have one last time and we look forward to all the other "Lasts" we are going to experience.

Pensacola Livin'

Things in the Rodriguez household are starting to get busier. I have been fortunate enough to have been attending a class for the Navy for the last couple months. It has been incredibly less stressful than being on the ship, but now things are starting to pick up. Michael and I are moving back to Pensacola, FL in April so planning the big move back is in full swing.

Job changes, moving all of our belongings and leaving our Cali friends are just a few of the stressors that are coming down the line, but as much as I hate moving and all the stress.....I love change. I love exploring new places and new things and although we have been to Pensacola before, this time will be completely different; we have different jobs, two cars, a little money in the bank and will be there for years so we can really settle in.

I am not sure if I am ready for the people of Pensacola, but I sure do miss those beaches!! And mellow mushroom (our favorite pizza place)!!! I think one of the things I will enjoy most is strolling down memory lane from the first time we were there. Pensacola is really where Michael and I built up our relationship and actually got married there so thinking back to the day as we stand on the beach again will be special. :)

We will see what this round of Pensacola livin' will bring us.

GI Jane Style

Holy Shit! So I leave in one week from tomorrow! Kind of crazy....wait..no....REALLY CRAZY! Time as surely flown by since I first enlisted back in July.

I took a very big step today towards this new life.....I cut my hair. It's incredibly short. I'm not sure if I like it yet or not. I know it's just hair and it will grow back. My hair grows fast too so it shouldn't be too horrible. I also need to remember how nice it will be to not have to worry about dealing with it while I'm at basic training. *sigh* I think it will just take some time to get used to.

On the up side....the weather up here in Fargo is absolutely horrible which makes me really look forward to being in Florida in a couple of months. So glad I will have a short, 2 month winter in chicago then off to a land with no snow! :) :) :)

Starting the count down......7

I will never cut my hair that short again! So many people loved it, but after a couple weeks I wasn't so crazy about it. Haha

Summer!!

It is definitely summer in San Diego! It typically doesn't get cold in SoCal, but it is not hot during the winter months. The sun isn't as close to us so the air is pretty cool in the evening/night. Well, February is the new June! It has been a gorgeous 85 degrees all weekend and I plan on spending another afternoon relaxing by the pool. I always think about going to the beach but it really isn't that great of an idea. The sand is usually covered in seaweed, depending which beach, and there is always a 10 degree difference between inland and the ocean, so while it is nice and hot at my house it is cooler and windy on the ocean; it is just best to walk the 1 block down the road to the pool.

Here's to getting my tan on!

Fargo

Living in Fargo seems like forever ago!

So as I was driving to work today, rocking out to the radio like usual, the DJ's starting talking about a man who was hit by a train earlier this morning. Its quite sad but then it gets even sadder. There are eye witness reports that this man purposly stepped in front of the train. There was a woman in her car waiting for the train to pass on Broadway and Main Ave, which is directly in the middle of downtown, when she saw this man standing on the sidewalk watching the train come in their direction. She said she thought that he was just waiting for the train to pass so he could cross the tracks but then watched him step right in front of the train right before it got to the crossing. That makes this story even sadder! I don't know why it struck me so much but I just can't imagine standing, waiting for a train to come so I can step in front of it. And the poor train conductor who, i'm sure, felt horrible and completely helpless as this man was hit. I just feel bad for this man and his family and friends. Just some news today that saddened my heart.

On a much happier note.......I GET TO GO HOME TOMORROW!!!Erin is leaving for school the end of next week and Joe a few days after that so I'm heading to Alexandria for some fun in the sun with my siblings who i love oh so much! It's kind of weird to think that once they leave for school i'm only goign to see them one more time at Ben's wedding in the middle of October. Then i wont see them until end of December when they come to see me graduate basic training! So crazy! I'm going to miss them so much!!! My family meansthe world to me and their support through all of this has only helped me stay positive about my decision. Wooty Woot!!! A few days full of swimming, boating, tanning, movies, gossiping, delicious food, laughs, relaxing, Great Hunan, erin's awesome puppy chow, Go! with Joe, and tetherball!!!

work can't go fast enough tomorrow!

Throwback Thursday

I am bringing my old blog entries back to life. :) my original blog was started when I first enlisted, my 2nd blog was started when I first got married and I just kind of dropped my original one. I reread some of the original posts and thought it would be good to share those. Those posts are a small glimpse into my first few months of the biggest turning point of my life. Enjoy!:)

Well I figured the best way to share my newest adventure was to start a blog. I think writing all my thoughts and feelings out will help me keep any stress or anxiety down and any excitement and happiness up. With my newest life changing decision the best way for me to share what's going on is to blog. :P

Well I am officially in the Navy. I enlisted 3 weeks ago and just had my first DEP (Delayed Entry Program) meeting last night. Its a monthly meeting to discuss expectations and worries we may have, work out a little bit and get tested on all the things we need to memorize. It's to help us prepare for basic training. Whenever I'm around my fellow recruits I get so motivated to leave and start this new journey but then I come home or head to work and this whole new life is put on the back burner. It's starting to get a little frustrating. I don't really like being inbetween being a civillian and a sailor. I'm ready to just get going and dive right in. People ask if I'm nervous or excited and it really depends on the day. One day I will be dreadfully nervous and wondering what I got myself into because i'm usually thinking about missing my family and friends. But then the next day I'm can be so pumped to go because my job is going to be awesome and I hope to see the world. I love to travel and try new things and this is going to be amazing. The waiting is starting to seem like the worst part.

Let's see...i only have about a month and a half left in Fargo!!! I'm tired of being here. While I've met some great people that I will truely miss, Fargo is just dreadfully boring. Let's not even talk about Fargo winters!! I will be moving out of my apartment at the very end of September and moving home for the month of October. I'll spend some time with my grandparents and friends (Krista, Ryan, Jess) down in Minneapolis and then my brother's wedding will be middle of October. Then shortly after I leave!! While each day feels like it takes forever, the next 3 months are going to fly by!!

Anchors Away!

Balance

I had such a good weekend. I love those weekends that have an equal balance of fun, relaxation and productivity. I spent my weekend cleaning (that's the productive part), hiking in the sun, cooking/baking, going to the movies and enjoying the Farmer's Insurance Open with my hubs. It didn't go by too fast, but I wasn't bored either.

So we are continuing our fertility trip and I have decided to separate my blogs. I like using this blog for my random thoughts and our day to day life. As I was reading through them I felt like our fertility trip would be easier to follow if it was in a blog of its own. Also, I can then indulge in the fertility trip when I feel like it and completely ignore it and write about other things in this blog. So posted below is a link to my new blog that you can read if you want to follow along with this trip or, if you don't, then just don't click the link. :) some things in life are just that simple.

Road trip!!!!! Destination.....baby!:)

Moving On

Ok, so my week of negativity has passed. :) I am feeling more optimistic now, more at peace with my situation and more hopeful for the next step.

In the past when I have gotten down I usually try to do something to cheer myself up, but then I just get more frustrated that I am now pretending I am happy when I am not. So this last week I just let things be and it really helped me. I didn't try to cheer myself up and I just let myself feel however I felt.

I am fortunate enough to not have struggled with any miscarriages, but it still doesn't mean that sometimes I need to grieve over our struggle. For so long I thought it would be selfish to be upset that I wanted more in my life and bratty that I wasn't getting it when I wanted it. But having a baby is nothing like wanting a new iPhone or designer purse, it is a life changing experience that every couple should get to have and I am not in the wrong for wanting it so badly. So once I realized that it is ok for me to be down sometimes, it has helped me become more hopeful and less angry. So I am going to continue to feel what I feel when I feel it, not dwell on anything and move on each day.

Turn a Real Page

Have you ever read a book that from the beginning wasn't very good? And you keep reading it, hoping that things will turn and you will fall madly in love with characters and be captivated with their story.....but then you get to the last page and realize that moment never happened and you aren't sure why you wasted your time. Haha that just happened to me. I finished The Last Policeman by Ben H. Winters and it was bad. It was slow and boring and choppy. In defense of the book, though, I did randomly steal it from the ship and with no clue to its quality I read it. I suggest you don't. Haha but I am onto the next!

I am currently reading Return to Homecoming Ranch by Julia London and it is good so far. The first 5 pages are in the view of a specific character that had me laughing aloud from the beginning, so I can't wait for that person to show back up. This book I have in paperback and as much as I love my kindle, nothing beats the feeling of turning a real page.

Happy reading!

Round 2

I received a call the fertility clinic today and scheduled my baseline ultrasound for a February cycle.

*ding, ding* Round 2.

I haven't decided how I feel about it yet. I feel excited to get another chance. I, also, feel frustrated with the possibility that it may not happen for us. I know I should stay positive and I really am majority of the time, but I am mostly frustrated with how I have had to "stay positive" for so long. The fertility treatment process has not been long at all, with our first appointment being in the beginning of October, but I have had the excitement of possibly being pregnant for 3 years now. Let's just say the excitement meter is very low.

In the beginning, the idea of being pregnant was incredibly exciting. I wanted everything that came with it. I wanted to take pictures of my baby bump, complain about morning sickness to Michael, find out the gender, pick out a name, announce it to everyone and count down the days until that little baby would arrive. Now, I am getting to the point where I don't care about any of that.

I want to be a mom.

I want to be a mom so bad. I constantly think of seeing all my baby's firsts, sending them to school, hearing them talk, imagining Michael running throughout the house with them, disciplining them, cuddling them and most of all loving them. I want a child to love more than I want anything else in this whole world.

I shouldn't think this way, but I am already assuming that we won't get pregnant this month naturally or next month with another IUI. So I ask myself.....how long do I torture myself before Michael and I fill out an adoption application?

It's a lot to think about and being a woman I make sure I have time to think about all of it. I am sure tomorrow I will snap out of it and the excitement meter will rise, but just for this moment I am going to let myself feel however I feel.

Girliness <3

I find ways that the Navy has changed me regularly. I think about how I used to be completely comfortable with throwing my clothes on the floor, leaving dishes sit and have items strewn about. That is absolutely not the case anymore! Everything in our house has a place and it erks me worse and worse as time passes that they aren't in place. Michael had a friend from North Dakota visiting for the last 12 days so I gave up my bathroom (yes, I moved all that is girly into Michael's bathroom), and my spare room, which has become my puzzling sanctuary while Rob and Michael play video games. As soon and Michael's friend left today (actually before we left for the airport) I was already putting everything back to wear it belongs. On the ship, we cleaned every day and everything has a specific place in your rack so I have adopted that habit at home. I even vacuum at least once a week just because I think the lines on the carpet make it look neat and organized. I try to not be so bad and let things slide because when I really get crazy about it I start to get annoyed that Michael isn't as obsessed about it as I am and isn't helping. The Nerve!! Can you believe that guy?!? Haha so once I start to feel that way I know that I need to calm down and realize that life can be a little messy and even if I clean it right away... It will just be messy again tomorrow. :)

On another note...
I have been feeling super girly lately. Not sure why, but I am just all about wearing make-up, wearing cute clothes and painting my nails. I used to get in moods like this after being underway for a couple weeks and craved being out of my combat boots, but right now, I just want to be girly.

I absolutely love time with my husband, but I am looking forward to a weekend of girliness all by myself. I started my Friday night with the most recent episode of The Bachelor, leftover Chinese food and Leinenkugel's Cranberry Ginger Ale. Tomorrow, I am getting some relaxing acupuncture done, probably a little shopping for new make-up and bath supplies at a new store I heard about called Lush, followed by possibly In N' Out Burger and my new obsession TV show Parenthood. It's suppose to rain this weekend too so it will be perfect for relaxing girliness.

Flying Thoughts

"Back to school. Back to school. To prove to my dad that I'm not a fool."-Billy Madison

My holiday leave is over, but I am so glad I am back to school. Right now I am taking a Shipboard Communications course for the Navy before I go on to my next command in April. It is great! I kick ass at the class, I don't have duty days, no command pt (physical training) and the hours are from 7:30am-about 2:30pm. Easy days! I enjoyed my time off, but it made me realize I need to be one of those women who work. I just do. I get too bored with too much time off and I hate doing chores so since I get bored, chores are all I end up doing. They get done while I am working during the week too, but when I have time off I really don't have an excuse not to do them. So needless to say, it was time to go back. :)

Chores weren't the only thing I did while on leave. I had a great time with my hubs over Christmas, golfed, went out for New Year's Eve, did a Segway tour, had a bonfire with neighbors, tried acupuncture for the first time (it was great!), got a pedicure, made homemade goodies and did a lot of sleeping in! :)

I also found an older blog of mine I started right when I enlisted. There are only a few posts but I think I am going to transfer them over to this blog, because they are pretty neat to read and it will be nice to have them all in one place. I also have some entries drafted on my laptop from deployment that I should transfer over too. My goal is to eventually type out my whole deployment experience so I can look back on it and remember that crazy time.

I hope to be blogging more in 2015! I know I always say I want to blog more, but the truth is that I don't think I have that much to say, and when I did have something to say I wouldn't be motivated enough to set my laptop up, try to log in, realize I don't know my password, reset my password, try to login again and then finally try to remember what I wanted to say in the first place and then get to writing. But, thanks to technology, I have the Blogger app on my phone that keeps me logged in and ready to type at any moment. So get ready for flying thoughts!:)

Happy New Year!!

2014 has come and gone and I am looking forward to the new hope of 2015! Last year was a great year for quality time with the hubs. Since my ship spent the whole last year in the yards, I was able to spend time with my husband whenever I pleased which was great. I think he enjoyed it too, at least that it what he tells me. :)

While not all my goals for 2014 were met I still did so many things I had never gotten to do before. My golf game improved immensely! I even came inches away from getting my first birdie! I ran my first half marathon which was a great experience and I would love to do another one in 2015. The hubs and I finally got to go to Comic Con which was fantastically nerdy! We took a trip to Vegas again where Michael saw his first big musical, Jersey Boys and I got to see my favorite band (The Used) play live. :) I went to see Justin Timberlake and Miley Cyrus live and we saw The Book of Mormon as well. I went to New York City for the first time which I one of the beat vacations I have ever had and Michael and I were able to make it back to the Midwest together. I also reenlisted in the Navy for 4 more years and transferred from my first command. :)

Whoa! That's alot! I didn't think it was that adventurous of a year but it definitely was and I look forward to the new adventures of 2015!

Lazy Sunday!

Oh how I love lazy Sundays :)

In my early 20's it was definitely called Sunday Funday, but now that I am a little older and have a day job it as turned into Lazy Sundays :) Sunday Funday existed when I worked at Applebee's and Sunday was actually my Friday since restaurant servers work Friday and Saturday nights. All my friends and I would have big Sunday Funday parties where we would spend all day drinking some beers while watching football and then headed to the bar that night. We always had a great time and if you happened to work the lunch shift on Monday, we all would be nursing our hangovers in the back between serving customers. Good times! But now I am old and can barely stay up past 9:30 and look forward to wearing my sweatpants all day; which I am totally okay with. I like being in my late 20's and working a regular job where Lazy Sundays are needed.

On this lazy Sunday, I plan on making some baked chicken drumsticks, asparagus and rice-a-roni. Yum! I also really want to make my dad's salsa today since I haven't made it in way too long; I don't recall making it since I have been back from deployment. I also have stuff in my pantry to whip up some puppy chow which also sounds so good! I, also, still have a granny smith apple left with Carmel waiting on the counter for me. This is the problem I run into: I have so many things that I want to cook/bake, but little me can't eat it all! Michael, of course, works today so he won't be around to enjoy all this food, but I am going to indulge anyway and bring leftovers for work.

I am starting to get into the spirit of the fall. Now that the sun is going down earlier and it is cooling off at night I am starting to get into the mood. It is still hard during the day since it still gets up to 85 degrees! It hasn't been this hot this late in the year since we have been here. I like the heat, but I am ready for the cool crispness of fall.

We have officially bought our plane tickets to head back to the Midwest! We are going back for Michael's cousin's wedding and decided to go for 10 days so we can visit family. I am very excited and look forward to seeing everyone's face! The hard part has been splitting up our time so we can see everyone's face. It has been a challenge, but we will just have to do the best that we can. It will, definitely, be a busy 10 days, but completely worth the craziness. Michael and I have never been back to the Midwest together. Every time we visit back home, the other person isn't able to go with so this will be interesting. We have taken vacations together but never to visit family and definitely not flying together. This will be a fun adventure. :)

I am back!

Another year has gone by since my last post and I feel like quite a bit has happened in just a year. I have been back from my deployment for just about a year and I am finally caught up on pop culture, TV shows, music and fashion. I haven't had cable for the last year, because I was too occupied catching up on my regular shows through Netflix and Hulu that paying for cable just didn't make sense. Well, aside from TV, I am feeling 100% comfortable being back at home. The transition was actually quite smooth with just a few bumps in the road. The biggest challenge was Michael and I getting used to being around each other all the time. Our work hours are still opposite but the distance that was making our hearts grow fonder was no longer there. The "honeymoon phase" of our marriage lasted longer than average because I was either about to get underway or just getting back from being underway, the excitement of using our precious time together wisely was diminishing. We had to re-adjust and move into the next stage of our marriage which consisted of being content with just being with each other. Our time together no longer had to consist of some special, meaningful event, dinner or adventure. We had to realize that it was completely okay spending a weekend just cooking meals, cleaning the house and cuddling up on the couch for a movie. We absolutely love that things can be more relaxed now, just coming out of the honeymoon phase took some getting used to.

Even though the honeymoon phase was over there was still a lot of exciting things that have happened over the last year. My entire family made the trip to San Diego for a Wymore Thanksgiving where I got to meet my nephew for the first time. Michael, of course, improved his golf game, I ran a half marathon with my mom and sister, we took a vacation to Las Vegas, I went to New York City, I started going back to college to work on my degree in cyber security and finally received new orders to instructor duty in Pensacola! My Navy career will be coming full circle. My last day on the Princeton will be November 19th and it is kind of bitter/sweet. I, definitely, need a change and look forward to a new challenge, but I will miss my brothers. The Princeton has been a big part of my life and has helped me grow in so many ways that it will be a little sad to close that chapter.

On top of all these events this last year, Michael and I are moving forward with having a baby. We have been trying for quite some time now and will be seeing a fertility specialist come beginning of October. We are both in good spirits and actually very excited to moving closer to our dream of having a family of our own. Wish us luck!

I want to be blogging more and I know I said that a year ago, but life just got away from me. So this upcoming year will be full of blogging and full of all new crazy adventures; hopefully a baby being the biggest one, but we also look forward to a fresh experience in Pensacola, possibly buying a house there, finishing my degree, my younger brother getting married, Ben and Jess having another baby and whatever else life decides to surprise us with.

I'm Back!

Navy Wife

It has been just over a year since my last blog entry and while I thought about writing so many times I realized that there wasn't much I was allowed to say. The last year of my life has been revolved around preparing to be deployed and while I wanted to write about all the thoughts, feelings and anxieties I was having I really couldn't say much without divulging information about the deployment itself that would compromise ship's information. I, also, didn't want to think about it more than I had to. I was excited to have an adventure of a lifetime, but fighting the depression of leaving my husband came with that excitement. The two weeks before I left I really struggled wanting to do anything. As much as I knew I should leave the house or see people I just simply didn't want to. I was susceptible to tears falling at any moment and would sit on the couch cuddled up with my puppies any time I was home alone. Moments with my husband never seemed to last long enough and the count down to departure went faster and faster. The time came. That dreadful moment of saying "Good-bye" had arrived.

Don't worry, I will fill you in on every experience that I have had over the last 6 months once I finally get home. I plan to eventually write out the entire deployment and take you on the journey that I have traveled and will forever be a part of me.  For now is just going to be a small look into the mental/emotional roller coaster of being a deployed Navy Wife.

The joys and challenges of being a new wife are always quite the adventure. The joys and challenges of being in the Navy is a whole other adventure. Now slam those 2 roles into one of the most challenging situations a person can be put in and that is my current life. I am currently deployed and have been for just about 6 months. Dealing with a deployment is stressful, full of anxiety, a learning experience, a challenge, a chance to grow, an adventure and a roller coaster to say the least. My days consist of working at least 12 hours a day, 7 days a week and right when I think I have caught up on my daily tasks.......something breaks. Radio circuits down.....entire network down......challenge accepted! I have learned to delegate, prioritize and manage my time better than I ever have in the past. And don't think that working with all guys in the shop scares me; they know who's boss. :) I hold my own and have earned their respect and established myself as a credible IT on the ship. My parents always taught me that hard work will pay off, maybe not right away or when you want it to, but it will pay off some day, when it counts the most.

Wrangling my own stress, emotions and mental challenges is a feet all on its own, but let's not forget the most important person in my life; my husband. The biggest challenge we have learned we face is that while I am being deployed we live separate lives and neither one of us can fully understand the other. It has caused a few altercations, but it has only caused us to grow as a couple and really learn to communicate. We have learned that we both have to really put ourselves in the other person's shoes and accept that we cannot fully understand the life of the other person right now. After working out the kinks we have found that laughter is the best thing for us and that we are each entitled to our bad days. Those bad days become fewer as time goes on but the best way to support each other during those bad days is to know that we can't fix it and to just support each other. We have become an excellent tag team of alternating whose turn it is to be down and sad. We take turns lifting each other up while the other wants to give up. That's the crazy part, though, is that there is no giving up. How do you decided that you want to quit being apart? Quit living separate lives? Quit having a long-distance relationship? You don't. You don't have a choice so all you can do is learn to adapt and it has made our relationship stronger. I am so lucky to have such a supportive husband and if you know my husband at all you can only imagine how much he makes me laugh even from thousands of miles away. :)

I miss my husband more than anything. More than my own bed, my own clothes, a couch, my puppies, driving, a home-cooked meal, a beer after a stressful day, chocolate......mmmmmm chocolate. Ok, now I'm day dreaming of all the things I miss on a daily basis. You never realize how great it is to shower without shower shoes on until it is no longer allowed in your life. I'm a little anxious about coming home only because the smallest changes are going to feel like stepping into the delorian to go back to the future. It was spring when I left and now when I return there will  be holiday decorations all around. Summer beach time was just simply non-existent. Football season will be half over. My nephew will be almost 1 year old. Hopefully my puppies still remember me. New neighbors. New fall styles. New movies in theaters. New music on the radio. A hundred little changes can get overwhelming. I just know that I will have to follow some of my mom's famous words, "Just take it one day at a time".

I am loving and understanding towards my husband and a ball-buster to my shipmates........I am a Navy Wife.

Piece of My Heart

No matter how hard I tried to prepare myself I found that I couldn't be fully ready for August 23, 2012. That morning I received a phone call from my dad that my Grandpa Joe had gone to Heaven and while I knew that this day was coming, hearing those words just made my heart sink. I had dreaded this day ever since I was old enough to understand death. And now it was here.

I am a private person so tell my Chief the news was difficult but needed to be done so I could get time off to go to the funeral and be with my family. All the paperwork had been set up and my plane ticket was bought. During the few days in San Diego before the funeral I thought I would be an emotional wreck. I oddly wasn't. I found that being so far away from what was all happening made me slide into denial. I kept repeating "My Grandpa has died" in my head over and over and over but it never seemed real. The night before I was scheduled to fly back to Minnesota I was incredibly nervous. I knew that I had been feeling nothing the last couple days and that as soon as I would get back to Minnesota I would be a disaster. I told my husband I was nervous and he was a little surprised to hear me say that. He thought I would be looking forward to being around my family during this hard time. I told him that usually I would be excited to see my family, but that I also knew that all my sadness was going to hit me like a brick wall. When I go to Grandma's house the first thing I do when I walk in the door is look for Grandpa to give him a huge hug but I knew that this time when I would get to my Grandma's, my Grandpa wouldn't be there and that realization was going to engulf me like a tsunami.

I made it through a few hours of flying without a single tear. Had my mom and dad pick me up at the airport and still tear free. Then......we got my grandma's house, got out of the car and hugged my mom. I was done. I can only count on 1 hand the number of moments that I wasn't crying from that point on. The next few days were spent with my parents, siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins sharing memories of my grandpa and discussing how we can't imagine life without him. It was amazing to hear everyone's perspective of Grandpa and how he had affected their own life. While we all had different memories about Grandpa that stuck out to us there was one thing that we all could easily agree on; he always made sure that we knew he loved us.

Imagine a person who made you feel as though you were perfect regardless of every mistake you made in life, a person who was always interested in what you had to say and a person who truly loved you unconditionally. That was my Grandpa.

A lot of people talk of their own grandpa as a man full of wisdom and advice, and while my Grandpa was very wise he was the best listener you could ever meet. My Grandpa didn't want you to live life according his rules; he sincerely only cared if you were happy. He always wanted to hear everything that was going on in your life even if he didn't understand the new age rules of dating, what texting meant or what your college major all entailed. He just wanted to be a part of your life.

My Grandpa was my favorite person in life. He was truly there for me throughout my 25 years on this earth and always made me feel so loved. When I made ridiculous mistakes and was ashamed of myself, he was understanding. When I was lost in this cold cruel world, he was encouraging. When I married a man he had never met, he was supportive and when I made the biggest change in my life, he was proud. My Grandpa has and always will have a special place in my heart. I think about him constantly throughout every day and just pray that he is at peace up in Heaven.

                                                         I love you Grandpa.

The Lost Summer

Well I am back. Ooof-da! That was quite the summer. It went slow and fast all at the same time.

For those who don't know I was on a mini deployment this summer called RIMPAC. I left June 15th and returned August 10th. It was the longest underway I have ever been on and it was such a learning experience as to what a full length deployment is going to really be like. I learned all about the right things to pack, how to organize my limited living space for optimal storage, where to do my laundry, how to handle now living with 300+ coworkers and got the most hands on training for my job I could ever ask for. My days consisted of working 1300 to 0100 (yes, I'm going to use military time right now), where I ran around with my head cut off trying to put together radio circuits that were constantly breaking, unlocking computer accounts when people constantly forget their passwords, and trying to find any second I can to study for my advancement exam I have to take this fall. When it wasn't my turn to be work I spent my time sleeping and watching movies and episodes of Smallville on my laptop. In the beginning of my trip I tried to work out but it is really hard to run on a treadmill while on a roller-coaster at the same time. See, I am stationed on a smaller ship and let me tell you, the waves can make us rock pretty bad so I learned that trying to workout while the boat is rocking was just making me seasick. It started to feel like the days were getting very long so I decided to just not go outside. I know it sounds weird but by not going outside it made the days go faster. Once you stop seeing the sun you lose the concept of day and night; of time. I made myself just go into a constant rotation of 12 hours of working and 12 hours off. It made time go very fast!

And then our port visit happened. My ship made two stops in Pearl Harbor, HI which sounds amazing, right? No. And when I tell people that they give me the hardest time. "Oh yea right! Must be awful to be in Hawaii". Well it was. Imagine spending every second of every day with no privacy, with living with your coworkers, working 80 hours a week; you now have a day off and the only people to share it with are the coworkers you have been working and living with. Now I am totally capable of hanging out by myself and having a great time, but it's hard to want to learn to surf or go scuba diving when there is no one you care about next to you to share it. I spent time on the beach in the sun trying to make time go faster so I can just get home. I think Hawaii would be a blast.......if I was on vacation with my husband or my family. So some day I hope to go back just for fun and not work.

Among all this job learning and new style of life while I was gone there was one thing that I just couldn't learn. I couldn't learn to live without my husband. I know it sounds cheesy and sappy but that was something that I never got used to. It was hard everyday to wake up without him next to me, to not share my day with him except through email. It was very difficult to have a long distance relationship all through email. It felt like we were living 2 completely separate lives and it was very hard. I constantly couldn't wait to be home with him again.

When I finally made it home it was AMAZING to be in my husband's arms and get a whiff of his scent as he hugged me. I came home to my favorite meal cooking in the crock pot, a dozen roses, a clean house and as many kisses from my husband as I wanted. Once the exciting weekend with my husband had ended reality set in. I was back to work on that following Monday and we were busier than ever. It wasn't work that was difficult to adjust to, it was being home again. I had only been gone 2 months but from my perspective a lot of things had changed. Of course they were all little things but they were little things that I wasn't a part of.

One thing the people rarely talk about is what it is like when you are finally home. Everyone talks about the struggles of being apart and how hard it must be for the military member and for the family, but no one talks about the military member's struggle to fit in when they finally get home. While you are gone it is like you are frozen in time, frozen in a world on a different planet. On the ship, in the middle of the ocean, I literally only saw the people who were out there with me. The only contact with the outside world was through email or searching the internet if you had the time. So when you finally come out of this frozen world, you come back to new songs on the radio, new movies in the theater, a new season of the year and bigger things like your husband having new friends, new work schedule and your sister-in-law having a new husband. Everyone talks about the lonely feeling you have while you are away but it is never realized that that lonely feeling is still there when you come back and it makes it difficult because you feel like that feeling should just automatically go away the second you arrive at home, but it doesn't. I was struggling and trying to help my husband understand when I was feeling was difficult.

The most important thing I learned by this whole experience is that when I come home it is best to accept that I will feel lonely when I get home, that I will feel left out, that I will feel like I don't know where I belong. It doesn't work to fight it. Fighting it only causes more anxiety and loneliness. I had to be honest with my husband how I was feeling and he had to learn that he couldn't fix it for me. A husband always wants his wife to be happy and he hates to see her sad, but I just needed to listen and understand that I was struggling and that he couldn't fix it. This lonely feeling does pass and you can't force it to pass. Patience. Patience of me and patience of my husband are the only two things that helped me get through my struggle.

Being gone for a couple months and coming back was quite the experience and it has helped me get a better idea as to how my full deployment is going to go and how to deal with the ups and downs. Until I leave again I am going to soak up every second with the hubs that I can.

Welcome Home!

Good-bye....for now.

Well, of course, being in the military my schedule changes constantly and while I thought I would be spending my summer in sunny San Diego with my husband, I am now going to be spending it in the middle of the ocean. I leave next week for a few months of living on the ship with a few stops in Hawaii. And while Hawaii will be an amazing place to visit I really wish I could be there with my husband. I'm going to miss him so much. He is my husband, my best friend, my everything.

I don't want to think about the sad things like missing my husband so I will be focusing on work while I am gone. I have a few goals set for myself while I am on the ship this summer that I know will keep me incredibly busy the whole time, which in turn will make the days go by faster. And while I am in Hawaii, I won't be thinking about this romantic island I will be on by myself, but be putting my energy into fun, amazing things like scuba diving, hiking and visiting the USS Arizona.

I look forward to being back in San Diego already. I know I don't post on my blog very often at all anymore but I had to say "Good-bye"...for now.